Terror At Walmart | The Hollywood Redux Podcast | Episode 201
The gang returns after a long hiatus with a harrowing tale of danger and mayhem in the Joshua Tree desert. The great outdoors paired with what should have been a short trip to a local Walmart for the group caused Matt’s Florida to come out HARD – oh the horror! Terror at Walmart.
Weird Walmart Stories
Not an employee, but I was shopping in there one night and this lady was pushing a shopping cart with a baby car seat thing in it. She had a bag of cheetos opened and was eating them, pushing the cart. I saw her out of the corner of my eye grab a cheeto, reach down and give it to the baby. I was thinking WTF when she reached in and got another, and then this tiny black hairy arm comes out. She had a freaking baby monkey dressed in baby clothes in her shopping cart with a veil covering it up so you couldnt tell, just casually feeding it cheetos while doing some midnight shopping I guess…
So I don’t work at Walmart, but I work at it’s largest national-sized comparative, and we only have a slightly different color scheme to this works to an extent.
It has to be the dude who walked up to with a fake tit strapped to his chin (alternating between talking and sucking on it) and asked me if we had a certain anime.
Given that A.) we don’t carry anime and B.) I later found out that the title he was looking for was taboo porn from the early nineties, I had to send him away.
I don’t know why he was walking around with a fake boob neck apparatus, nor why he expected us to carry hardcore Japanese girlfucking, but damnit he was entertaining.
I worked as a merchandiser and would spend at least 75% of my work hours in Wal-Mart.
During finals week, I would go in and stock shelves during the night shift. There was a night crew worker who would change his name tag daily. One night it was Owl. Next shift Night owl. Next shift Owl Night. Then Owl Knight. Then Knight Owl.
This one employee had over 20 different name tags.
The guy that brought back a wooden toilet seat bc it was cracked. He had the receipt which showed it was purchased 7 years ago. We refunded his money. [Edit] Several people have asked where this happened. It was in Missouri in the early 90’s. Back then, we refunded everyone.
My mom works at a Walmart. She has an obese black lady who comes in almost daily, scooters around, and randomly yells at products. I saw her sternly lecturing a shampoo bottle when I went to meet my mom for lunch once. She’s always pretty chipper when talking with people, but some inanimate objects just really gets her goat I guess.
Okay, I worked for Wal-Mart for 5 years. In that time I met lots of strange, funny, interesting people. The one that stands out to me the most is a guy that I affectionately nicknamed “Fresh Breath Bob.”
He would come in and steal/buy as much mouthwash as he could carry to the end of the parking lot and proceed to drink it all. He would get hammered and belligerent but his breath was… just.. so fresh.
I worked at a Walmart in Plano, TX. One 4th of July, I was working the registers and a woman came into the store wearing only a string bikini. This alone would not have been the strangest thing, but she was about 5’4 and 300lbs. Not just that, but her complexion was stark white! The “bathing suit” she was wearing made it look like a rubber band stretched to the breaking point around an oversized marshmallow.
Had a guy offer me 400 bucks to hold his dick while he takes a piss. (No, I didn’t do it. Sounded like a scam)
Had some stoner come in and try to walk across my floor that was covered in stripper for some bacon at 3am. Had his baby in his arms. He busted his ass hard, but he caught the baby. I guess dad reflexes are still decent when stoned.
So much shit on the walls in the women’s bathrooms. So much shit. Women be painting poocasso in there.
Some weird old guy used to come swoon over the female employees at night in a scooter. He bought some car speakers and spent the entire night installing them in the parking lot.
I had a guy come through my line wanting to buy a Flowbee (that 90s vacuum haircut thing). He wanted to barter with me for it. I try telling that corporate sets the prices, but he seemed to think I was personally profiting from it. He was extremely irate. He finally says “Fine! I’m not going to buy it then!” I got a lot of people like that, that think I control the prices or care if they buy something or not.
I worked at Wal-Mart in the late 90’s for a year in the Electronics department. We had a guy come in every week and buy something from our department. He would hold an employee hostage for at least a hour for whatever item he wanted to buy. Every insignificant detail had to be questioned and debated no matter the product (portable cassette player, universal remote, etc.).
The very next day he would always bring it back complaining it didn’t work how he was told. And not just complaining, he would go livid about it and threaten to sue if he didn’t get his way.
Turns out, this was some elaborate ruse to get a chance to hit on the woman who worked the customer service desk – let’s call her Rachel- and he was married. The days she wasn’t working is when he would actually come to the department and brow beat us like we had done something wrong.
He eventually stopped when Rachel quit.
There was a lady that came in very regularly and demanded everything be double or even triple bagged, and would have a very loud meltdown when a cashier didn’t know this was her preference. Also an older woman who had shit fall out of her pants as she walked past my checkout lane.
I was department manager of general merchandise at a neighborhood market a couple years ago. Had this old lady come in and she was furious that we were no longer carrying a specific flavor of cat food. She talked to the CSM and demanded that we order some for her, CSM told me which one she wanted so I got on my Walmart app and managed to find a UPC, it was not traited but I could still order it, so I found her and asked how many she would like me to order. She replied “You can’t help me, you’re not in charge of pets” and I told her “actually I am over the pet dept, and I’d be happy to place a special order for you” she told me “don’t argue with me! the customer is always right” and stormed off back into the store to look at more cat food.
I’ve got 2: one for the people of Wal-Mart, and one for the employees of Wal-Mart. First: people.
My best friend works at Wal-Mart. He sent out a text to me on Black Friday of last year.
“So these two ghetto ladies start a fight in cosmetics with each other. At first they’re arguing, calling eachother names, then Lady A starts trying to smack Lady B. Lady B picks up her son by the arms and swings him at lady A. Lady A catches the kid, tears him out of Lady B’s arms, puts him in a cart, and pushes him down the aisle behind her. Lady B then yells “Don’t you touch my son!”. I wanna go home.”
And now for the employees.
My dad walked in on Wal-mart’s employees doing the Wal-Mart morning chant. Being the I’m-old-and-senile-and-I-don’t-give-a-fuck kind of guy he is, he started hollering in german about the glory of the Nazi party, doing the “Sieg Heil!” salute, and goose stepping down the aisle. Mostly to the horror of everyone there. I tend to believe him on this one because neither him nor I ever knew about the “morning chant” bullshit before he did this, and it isn’t the first time he’s fucked with employees in ways relating to fascism and WW2. Also, he does speak fluent german.
An older guy, pretty dirty and homeless looking, came up and asked me to wring him up through the electronics register, he was leaning over like he had something in his jacket and his hand was inside. I thought nothing much of it, kind of expected to laugh later and say it looked like I was about to be robbed. Nope.
As I scan his groceries he looks into me eyes and says with the creepiest face and smile “Do you want to see my treasure?”. I just stared at him. What was it? A gun? His meat and potatoes? Imagine my terror as he slowly opens his jacket to reveal what appeared to be a newborn puppy, very newborn and slimy, and very much not moving.
I told my boss I had to go to break after that one.
During my one summer working at Walmart, I was approached by a man in his mid-50s who asked where he could find “tiramisu containers.” I never heard of such a specific item, so I asked if he wanted Tupperware and walked with him to the aisle where they could be found.
Along the way, he proceeded to say the most stereotypical Italian phrases: “Bene!’” “Bravo!,” “Mamma Mia!,” etc. When we arrived, he thanked me and the other associate (a college-aged girl) who tagged along and gave me his card; it was plain white with ONLY his name and address. We were invited to his house for, “music, tiramisu, and ROMANCE!” (we didn’t go). He then bought (I kid you not) at least 30 Tupperware containers.
A month later, while stocking, a strange Italian accent behind me told me to, “Stick my hands up!” This same guy returned and wanted to know where he could find “tiramisu containers.” I asked if he wanted Tupperware and he proceeded to buy 30 more. I still wonder why.